Project Manager From Hell

I have a project manager at work that I have to deal with daily. The following is a sample of our conversation on Friday. (The topic has changed due to SOX & FERC regulations.)

Project Management Through E-Mail

3^rd Party—Hi Linda, executives would like to know if you have any large stones outside your office window.

Linda—I’ll find out. Tell the VP not to stress.

3^rd Party—Uh, he’s not. This is routine.

Linda—Noted.

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Linda—Hi Phil, 3^rd party wants to know about the stone outside my window. Would you provide suggestions on the color of the stone, the size, the weight, the dimensions, and the most effective way to transport the stone to another window? Also, is this stone viable for Phase 2 of the project?

Phil—Hi Linda, I have not seen this stone. I have been concentrating on Water Project: Phase 1, stones are outside of the scope. I would assume it could be added to a Phase 2 if we need a stone project, but as it is outside the scope, I don’t think this is necessary at this time.

Linda—Hi Phil, based on your recommendation I have created a PowerPoint to begin the Stone Project: Water Project, Phase 2. Could you provide the stone’s information in a matrix?

Phil—Hi Linda, I can not provide a proper matrix of the stone because I do not know of this stone that you speak.

Linda—Phil, based on your experience in stones, could you provide a high-level proto-process of the transportation of the stone. Think of it as a hamburger.

Phil—Linda, does the stone need to be moved today? I am a little busy. Also, what is a “proto-process”? Is this a prototype for a process and therefore not an actual process? Hamburger?

Linda—Phil, arguing semantics only forces us to move in circles. Also, I realize you have other projects, but we can’t wait too long on this.

Phil—Linda, I think the settling of semantics creates a cohesive communication base for the team. Alleviates confusion. Could we name this a Stone Process? When does the stone need moved? If we could wait till next week, in April, the ground won’t be as muddy.

Linda—Stone Project begins in January. It doesn’t matter what the process-proto’s name is, we can name it once the project is complete and we move into the Ice Project: Water Project, phase 3.

Phil—…

Phil—Um, we have an “Ice Project”? Shouldn’t we consider the touch-points with Ice Project now since it ties closely with water? I’d hate to miss something and have the business not use the water because it is frozen over.

Linda—That’s why there is Phase 2. If I have this straight, we just use the rock to break the ice.

Phil—Ok…sure....

Linda—Never mind. This is a Steve question. I’ll get with him.

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Steve—Hello?

Phil—Linda wants to start a Rock Project to break the Ice Project so that the Water Project will succeed.

Steve—!#@%^